Is He Cheating Page 3
The decode: According to graphologist Karen Weinberg, QDE, a person who is thinking of ending a relationship will show clues in his handwriting. When writing the word “love” he may begin to drop down the letter “e.” Another sign to watch for is if your partner diminishes the size of your name (sign of your importance to him.)
The Cheat Code: He avoids physical or verbal contact
The decode: He’s distant or he’s not talking to you when he used to share every detail. Or he used to like to cuddle on the couch and suddenly he’s distant. It might be the guilt about what he’s doing, or he might have already emotionally shifted his attention to his mistress.
The Cheat Code: “Guys’ Weekend”
The decode: A guys’ weekend is the perfect cover for a cheater. First, it allows him to get out of the house alone for two or three whole days, and second, you probably don’t expect much contact during a guys’ weekend, so he can mess around without interruption. Is every guys’ weekend a cheater’s holiday? No, sometimes it’s just a bunch of guys on a boat drinking too many beers and catching fish. But if your guy is suddenly scheduling a lot more guys’ weekends than ever before, or if you’ve never met the guys he says he’s going with, it could be a red flag. The same is true if he’s suddenly interested in a new sport or hobby that requires him to be gone alone for long hours at a time.
The Cheat Code: He’s away from home a lot
The decode: Yes, your guy may need to travel for work, but it’s an important detail to pay attention to. Men who travel on a regular basis, especially those who entertain clients, have the perfect setup for cheating – hotel rooms and an expense accounts and a perfectly good excuse for not staying in contact for hours or even days at a time. While I don’t want to label your guy a cheater just because he travels for his job (lots of guys travel for work and stay faithful) I do want you to be more vigilant about looking for other signs. One of the biggest reasons men cheat is opportunity to do so without getting caught.
The Cheat Code: He constantly makes contradictory statements: You’re a great mother/It’s your fault our kids are brats, Why don’t you get a job?/Why don’t you trust me to take care of us?, You’re too opinionated/Why do you always look to me for answers?, You’ve done a great job with the house/Why is the house always a disaster?
The decode: This is him, trying to keep you off balance so you won’t pay attention to what’s really going on. You end up so focused on trying to figure out what he means that you don’t actually see what he does.
The Cheat Code: He says things like, “You don’t appreciate me” or “You don’t even care that I’m home.”
The decode: This is basically his inner talk track coming out in the open. He’s convinced himself that you don’t appreciate him, so that he doesn’t feel as guilty getting his “appreciation” somewhere else.
The Cheat Code: “You don’t really get me”
The decode: Someone else does.
The Cheat Code: He‘s been drinking too much
The decode: Alcoholics and cheaters have lots and lots of warning signs in common. Why? A super-sized ego means that both regularly put their own needs above everyone else’s.
The Cheat Code: He’s always moving, or he suddenly talks about selling the house.
The decode: I’m not talking about the victims of the new corporate culture of “You‘ve got to move on to move up” here. If your guy willingly changes apartments as often as he changes his clothes, he’s probably running away from something. Could be bill collectors, could be the ghosts of relationships past, but most likely it’s himself. If he’s suddenly talking about selling your joint residence out of the blue, he may be attempting to speed up a division of assets.
The Cheat Code: He’s started grooming himself “down there” (and you didn’t ask him to)
The decode: If your partner has started manscaping his genitals, it’s a strong sign that he’s been spending a lot more time in the buff. Most guys believe that manscaping makes them look, well, bigger, and chances are it’s not you he’s trying to impress.
The Cheat Code: His co-workers seem to be acting awkwardly around you
The decode: Maybe his assistant knows what’s up, or maybe the whole office is buzzing about affair with the woman from accounting. If you notice his co-workers seem to be avoiding you, or giving you looks of pity, pay attention.
The Cheat Code: He’s always daydreaming or distracted
The decode: Again we’re looking for a change in behavior here. If he’s always been kind of spaced-out, there’s nothing to worry about with this one. But if he’s usually focused and all of a sudden he’s totally preoccupied, there’s probably a reason for it. Ask him what he’s been thinking about, there may be a perfectly good reason why he’s been so disconnected.
The Cheat Code: He’s suddenly very interested in your schedule
The decode: It might seem like he’s taking an interest in your day, but the truth of the matter is that he’s trying to figure out where you’ll be so he won’t get caught.
The Cheat Code: He wants to attend social functions alone.
The decode: He tells you that you’ll be bored, or that you’ll be the only spouse/partner there, but the reality is he’s meeting (or hoping to meet) someone else.
The Cheat Code: He suddenly wants to do his own laundry
The decode: He doesn’t want you coming across any strange stains or smells, like somebody else’s perfume.
The Cheat Code: The mileage on his car is high, or he’s spending a lot more on gas than he used to.
The decode: He tells you he’s only going to work and back, or on short errands around town, but suddenly his mileage and gas usage is way up. Frequently, this is an indicator that he’s taking his mistress to out-of-the-way places so he won’t get caught.
The Cheat Code: He has strange numbers stored or dialed on his phone
The decode: Are you finding calls with long duration on his cell phone or cell phone bill, and you have no idea who he’d be talking to that long? Is there a number stored in his speed dial that you don’t recognize?
The Cheat Code: You caught him lying to you about something stupid
The decode: It’s always the details that trip us up. Most women who have discovered their man cheating were tipped off by a little white lie, or a statement that just didn’t make any sense. Write these down in your journal.
The Cheat Code: He’s suddenly traveling solo or traveling much more often.
The decode: Any weirdness with travel should be a red flag — maybe he’s hiding his tickets, maybe he’s packing warm weather clothing for a trip to Cleveland in the middle of winter, maybe you’ve discovered that no one at his work seems to know where he is (even though he’s claiming he’s traveling for his job.)
The Cheat Code: He wasn’t where he said he would be
The decode: Maybe one of your friends saw him on the other side of town when he told you he was at work. Maybe he told you he was going to be hanging out at a friend’s house and the friend’s wife told you she hadn’t seen him all day. Write it down in your journal, including dates, times, where he said he was and where he actually was. Or wasn’t.
The Cheat Code: He’s suddenly very suspicious of you.
The decode: Psychologists call this “projecting” — he’s cheating on you, and suddenly he’s very suspicious that you might be doing the same to him! If he’s suddenly jealous when he’s never been before, it should be a red flag.
The Cheat Code: He’s losing his temper more than usual
The decode: It’s stressful for your guy to hide an entire alternate existence, add that to his projected fears that you might be cheating on him, and it makes for a very volatile situation. Also you find that he’s storming out of the house during an argument, when he used to stay and fight or work things out, he might be picking fights with you just to get a few hours alone with her.
The Cheat Code: A personal gift that you didn’t buy him
The Cheat Code: He’s defensive
The decode: Suddenly he’s nervous when he never was before. He’s jumpy, secretive, and gets ticked off when you casually ask him questions like, “What did you do after work?” Why? He’s hiding something.
The Cheat Code: He accidentally calls you by someone else’s name
The decode: It’s tough to keep two relationships straight. If he does it more than once, things don’t look good for you, especially if he calls you the same wrong name twice. What’s worse (or better, depending on your perspective,) he’s probably calling HER by YOUR name too.
The Cheat Code: He suddenly wants to use condoms
The decode: It’s been ages since the two of you used a condom, and you’re on the pill anyway, but he’s insisting. Sometimes this is him making sure you don’t get pregnant if he’s considering leaving you. And sometimes, it’s because he’s contracted an STD and he doesn’t want you to find out.
The Cheat Code: He suddenly likes a different kind of music.
The decode: Most people develop their musical tastes in their late teens, and stick with them, well, forever. Many times new musical tastes or an iPod full of club beats means he’s trying to impress someone younger or cooler. This can be a big red flag if he isn’t usually so adventuresome with his musical tastes.
The Cheat Code: Brokeback Bob
The decode: Who doesn’t love a romantic cowboy movie? The Brokeback wives. According to the Centers for Disease Control, more than 4 million women are/ were the wives and girlfriends of men who secretly have sex with other men. What’s more, according to the Family Pride Coalition, is that 20 percent of American gay men are in heterosexual marriages. If you are seeing many of the signs of cheating listed, but are unable to find the other woman, consider that there might be another man instead.
So what should you do if you suspect your partner is cheating? Throw his clothes out on the lawn? Quit your job and trail him like you’re trying out for a cameo on Law & Order?
As much as you’d like to, the most important thing you can do right now is keep calm and stay cool.
Stay strong. Don’t confront a cheater until you have read this entire book and have obtained enough hard evidence to prove he’s really cheating, otherwise, he’ll just deny it. Behave as though everything is perfectly normal. I know it’s excruciating, but trust me, you’ll find the truth out soon. If you confront him before have proof, he’ll simply hide the evidence and you may never know what’s really going on.
Collect as much evidence as you can (I’ll tell you where to look in Chapter 5) and then confront him with the facts. (You’ll learn how in Chapter 9.) The only way to move forward is to get it all out in the open.
Chapter 5: How to find out right now, for sure. (Gathering Evidence.)
There is only one good reason to snoop: to confirm what you already know. As in, you’re pretty damned sure he’s cheating on you and you need solid proof. Give some serious thought to why you feel this way. Do you always feel this way? Or is it just this situation, this guy, this relationship that’s causing you to fret? Do you have actual evidence of infidelity, or a creeping “something’s not right” feeling lingering in your gut? Trust your instinct and figure out what’s bothering you. If he is cheating, you need to know. If he’s not, you need to figure out why you’re having such a hard time trusting him.
Now that you’re familiar with the Cheat Codes that all men do when they are being unfaithful, you’ll be able to quickly and easily recognize when your guy is up to something. The next thing you need to do is confirm your suspicions. You’ll do this with the help of the next chapter, by gathering a mountain of evidence. Remember, DO NOT confront your cheating partner before you have indisputable evidence: it can mean the difference between catching him quickly with your sanity intact, or spending long, painful, grueling months or even years trying to gather the evidence you need.
Even the slimiest, most successful cheaters leave a trail of evidence. Don’t give up hope if you haven’t found anything concrete yet. I’m here with you every step of the way, and I’ll show you right where to look. You don’t want to get caught spying on your mate — just like confronting him too soon, it can set you back months or even years. He’ll be far more careless with evidence if he doesn’t suspect that you’re looking for it.
As you already know, there’s no way to move past this your suspicions in your relationship until you find out the truth. Many women discover that their partner is cheating by accident — you overhear a phone call, or see a text message you weren’t supposed to, a friend spots him snuggled up in a restaurant with someone who isn’t you, or an email gets sent to you by mistake. But if you need to know what’s really going on, we’ll have to do a little digging.
Here’s what you‘ll need to begin gathering evidence.
Your cheating journal
The cell phone bill going back as far as you can find
As many bank statements as you’re able to find
A cell phone with a camera
Internet access
Find out more:
A black light to check for semen stains
Computer key-logging software or device
A vehicle tracker
SIM & SMART card reader to obtain details on his cell phone
You’ll find links to the best evidence-gathering tools at the end of this chapter.
What to keep track of in your journal
You need to keep a log of your partner’s reported activities. Be sure to write down times, dates, places, the names of any other people involved, what excuse or reason he gave you, and whether or not (and why) you might be suspicious. This cheating journal will be invaluable in allowing you to compare what he said with more concrete proof, such as credit card statements, receipts, phone bills, ATM and bank withdrawals, as well as things that other people say. When confronted, a cheater will most likely change his story, and question your memory, or try to rationalize his behavior, so keeping detailed records of every single thing is crucial. Write down every time he’s late, acting strangely, or tells you he’s working late or working out. You also want to record incidences of him mentioning someone’s name repeatedly. Be sure to record the date, time and context, and within a short time you’ll begin to see patterns. Anything that makes you feel suspicious or uncomfortable should be written down in as much detail as you can. Make sure you write down whatever made you feel suspicious in the first place. Collect every scrap of information you can, and write every detail down, even if it doesn’t make any sense to you. Eventually, all the puzzle pieces with fit together and you’ll know the truth.
The best places to search for physical evidence
The places where you’re most likely to find the evidence you need are his car, the bedroom, the bathroom, his computer, the banking records, and his phone. Stake those out and you’ll have everything you need to know for sure.
The best time to gather evidence is when he’s in the shower
You can check his messages and call logs, review his web browser history, check the mileage on his car. You can gather his clothes up off the bathroom floor and whisk them off to the laundry room (and, ahem, run a black light over them) before he can concoct a reason why you shouldn’t. Once you have them, check for unusual stains and not-his-or-yours hairs.
The second best time to gather evidence is when he’s asleep
You can check his cell phone, his computer, his clothing, and search the car for clues, or even install tracking devices while he’s snoring away in the next room.
How to Lo-Jack yo
ur husband
Because his car feels like his own private island, he’s a lot more likely to be sloppy in hiding the evidence of his infidelity here. In addition, the woman he’s messing around with may be getting tired of their relationship being kept a secret, and she may mark her territory or plant evidence of the affair in order to bring it out in the open. This is all good news for you. It is relatively easy to track his car with one of the new vehicle tracking devices. You don’t even need to have access to his car; many of the tiny devices can be attached with a magnet underneath the vehicle. These devices are extremely helpful in finding out where he’s been, how long he stayed there, and whether or not he actually is where he says he is. One of my readers wrote me to say that the tracking device she attached to her husband’s car located him IN HER NEIGHBOR’S GARAGE! That’s right, her husband was just half a block away, messing around with one of her friends in the hot tub, with his car hidden in her garage. Most of the devices can be tracked with your Smartphone or online, and will provide you with the address where your partner’s car is parked, where he went, and how long he stayed there.
Here’s what you’re looking for: Receipts, especially those from odd areas of town, out of town, or where he paid cash; articles of clothing that don’t belong to either of you, especially underwear; your partner’s clothing, especially if it smells like a perfume/cologne that neither of you wear, has clearish-white/yellow stains on it, smells like an unfamiliar body odor; clothes with make-up smudges on them not caused by you; an overnight bag with a fresh change of clothes, toothbrush, etc, or clothes that have been worn and left in the car; body hairs that don’t resemble either of yours; gifts and other love tokens; jewelry that doesn’t belong to either of you; condoms; and unusual stains on the seats. Semen is clear white/yellow when dried and it smells a bit like bleach. A UV light can help you to identify bodily fluid stains, as can a semen detection kit.